Author and Narrator “Testimonials”
"Having R.C. Bray narrate the Expeditionary Force audiobooks has been amazing, because he is a complete professional. For example, I did not think it necessary to explain how to pronounce the word ‘cat’, but R.C. wants to be sure of producing a quality product. It’s attention to detail like that that makes R.C. a superstar! This pandemic year has been especially rewarding for working with R.C., since all our interactions have been online. That saves me from experiencing the body odor, rancid halitosis and other ‘endearing quirks’ that make Bob a delight to work with. Also, not once in 2020 did I have to coax him to drop the machete and come out from under a table, because ’They’ are after him. The tinfoil hat appears to be working! Please listen to his audiobooks, so he can continue to afford his meds.”
Author
"Bob solicited this review. He sucks.”
Author Who Relies on Co-Writers to Carry His Career
“R.C. Bray is the best thing to ever happen to my author career. Of course, I had similar notions about my first three wives, so what do I know?”
"Author"
“R.C. Bray has a voice that would melt the lard of a dead yak's ass.”
Loves His Caulk
“Bob Bray is well-named because, listening to his narration of my book, I’m convinced a donkey could have done better. Although, I must say, as an audio book narrator myself, I’m grateful for his ineptitude because it probably means I’ll work more.”
Author, La Bamba Guy, Spells "Audiobook" as Two Words
“Sounds like he hugged a handle of whiskey, ate a box of cigarettes, then decided to try narrating.”
Author and Stock "Before" Pic in New Hair Club for Men Ad Campaign
“Bob Bray isn’t as good as he thinks he is.”
Narrator, Photographer, All-Around Lovely Person!
"Despite a famously overblown sense of self-importance, frequent bouts of amnesia, and an incurable inability to read a calendar, Bray does actually manage to sell the occasional book. It probably has to do with him being the best in the business (allegedly) but don't tell him so. If his head grows any larger we'll be impacted by our own moon."
Author and Ridiculous Beard Enthusiast
“No one knows how to mispronounce easy words like R.C. Bray. He is a master at taking places like Florida or Chicago and butchering them!”
Author Who Stands on Rocks When Taking Pictures to Appear of Average Height
“It goes completely against the grain for a Brit to be deliberately nasty to someone to their face. But since we’re talking about R.C. Bray…”
Narrator and Third Tier Simon Vance
“R.C. Bray gave me some really good advice in the most, "I don’t give a fuck about your feelings" way imaginable. I’m in awe of his “I’m the fucking shit, I can say whatever I want and you can’t touch me" attitude, with just enough of "I might be a good guy deep down” that one believes he just might be hiding a gooey center behind that hard candy shell. He always seems to be able to make time for fellow narrators; offering his sage wisdom and advice as a pro, with just enough "I’ll fucking kill you, and bury you under my azalea bushes if you ask me too many stupid questions”, undertones to keep colleagues in check. Just don’t as him to be your coach, he fucking hates that. Finally I really appreciate that he takes the time to acknowledge who you are as an individual, as evidenced by him signing off in his last correspondence to me: …Now Go Fuck Yourself, Canadian.”
Narrator and Embarrassment to Canada
"Working with R.C. Bray is comparable to the joy of having a baby. He suckles on the teat of my creativity until I'm raw, chapped and bleeding. Then he records his regurgitative burps and calls it gold."
Author, Tells Kafer He "Really Likes" His Narration... "Really, Jeff."
“Whenever I think about my dear friend Bob Bray, these five words come to mind:
Thank God for Wil Wheaton.”
Narrator Who Won't Accept That One Movie with Jodie Foster 20 Years Ago Does Not a Talent Make
“An absolute pile of human disaster. With a voice to match.”
Multi Award-Bribing Narrator
“If I can’t narrate my own life, then I want someone who is highly overrated and yet, lesser in ability. That would be Bray, as we can all agree.”
Narrator and Lifetime Second Fiddle
“I mean, he’s great, but occasionally one of his accents sounds like someone’s trying to assault a goose with a vacuum cleaner, records the incident, then auto-tunes it to sound like Cher back when she was only seventy.”
Author and 1997 'Mr. Pillow Fight' Runner-up
“A delight to listen to, if you're into that sort of thing.”
Narrator aka Spud "Hoss" Ticklebits
“R.C. Bray is such a plotting, plodding, stubborn asshole that when he steals your donut — and he will — you’ll swear that he keeps it in his mouth for paragraphs while recording just to lord it over you with his cheeks stuffed full of false importance, dribbling glazed ooze down his chin. Then, in one great swallow, he moves on to masticate through the next few pages, gnawing nasal consonants sneeringly and belching out vowels without regard to nuance or feeling, much less meaning. It’s one big wash of unpleasantness, which earned him his other nickname “Root Canal” which is what R.C. stands for. I’ll never eat a donut again.”
Narrator, Love Muffin/Muffin Lover
"When I hear a poorly narrated book, I always console myself that at least it wasn't R.C. Bray."
Author Whose Real Last Name (Beaulieu) is The Only Thing Spelled More Strangely Than "Jaime"
"If Dracula dragged his nails across a chalkboard, tossed the fallout with rocks broken by prisoners sweating despair from their pores into a blender, and flipped the switch to "grind," the resulting sound wouldn't come close to the harpy's screech of Bob Bray's narrative voice. Masochists, you've found your narrator."
Author Who Tried Too Hard to Seem Talented With This Utterly Unnecessarily Overwritten Testimonial